That's right. The same publication that in January named Fort Wayne the stupidest city in America has done it again, naming us among the "limpest" cities as well.

After analyzing government statistics on obesity, smoking and per-capita sales of erectile-dysfunction drugs, the magazine's December issue ranks Fort Wayne 87th out of 101 cities in terms of, well ... you know.

Indianapolis finished 85th, good enough for a D+ grade. But Fort Wayne's "D" was at least a passing mark. Pity the people in Greensboro, N.C. - the heart of tobacco country - who live in the most flaccid city in the country.

First its editors make fun of Fort Wayne residents for being stupid (on the basis of college degrees, test scores, presence of universities, etc.), then they ridicule us for not being able to have sex without the help of pharmaceuticals. Frankly, if Fort Wayne is as stupid and overweight (ranked fourth-fattest city by the Centers for Disease Control in 2003) as Men's Health thinks it is, the editors should be praising us for not further polluting the gene pool.

Unfortunately - or fortunately, depending on your point of view - there is plenty of evidence that sex is alive and well in Fort Wayne. This city is a "good place to raise a family," remember? According to the Fort Wayne-Allen County Board of Health, 6,838 babies were born in Allen County last year - up from 6,729 in 2003. How do you think those babies got here?

And just to prove Allen County can have stupid sex as well as drug-assisted sex, the department's Sexually Transmitted Disease Clinic had 5,896 visitors in 2004 - a 12 percent increase from the previous year.

In fact, Fort Wayne is so sexy it even has its own swingers' club - although Club Utopia is so purposefully low-profile, even a magazine devoted to tight abs and tighter lingerie may not know about it. Under a green canopy attached to an old office building in the 3800 block of Pontiac Street is the entrance to a members-only club that bills itself as a "place for open-minded adults to come and enjoy themselves."

Strictly in the interest of journalism, I went in, walked down the long orange-and-green hall, climbed two flights of stairs and rang the buzzer next to the locked door. The well-dressed, middle-aged man who answered wouldn't let me in, give his name or answer questions about the club. He wanted to protect his children from ridicule, members from public scrutiny, and the club from moralistic picketing, he explained.

But he assured me that what goes on at Club Utopia isn't as racy as most people imagine and not really any different that what goes on at a lot of other clubs in town - except Club Utopia has its own 10-room hotel built right in.

The club's Web site, however, certainly encourages speculation: "Some people like to watch; others like to be watched. There are those looking for a third and others who would like to trade," it says. But even though the man at the door said the club has nothing to be ashamed of, any member who talks about the club to the press could be liable for up to $1 million in damages, according to the membership agreement.

Frankly, swings and gynecological tables - two items reportedly used at the club in, ahem, non-traditional ways - don't do much for me. But then, the photo of the supposedly sultry Paris Hilton next to the "limpest cities" story in Men's Healthy didn't do much for me, either.

The assistant manager of Fort Wayne's premier tobacco store offered this advice: "People should stop smoking cigarettes and start smoking pipes and cigars," which are not normally inhaled, reducing the, er, softening effect of nicotine, said Frank Bougher of Riegel's Pipe & Tobacco Shop at 624 S. Calhoun St. "We're always concerned about the length of our customers' coronas. Size matters."

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