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I am a 22-year-old woman, generally happy, but I have a problemwith cheating. My peers seem to have no problems staying faithful, butI do. I have never been faithful to anyone, and I have had manyrelationships with men and women. Some found out, some didn’t. I havefinally found someone I feel like I can spend the rest of my life with,I am happy with him on every level, but I still cheat. I have been toldthis could be sociopathic, but I’m not sure. I have always really lovedsex, all kinds, and have done everything short of urine/feces oranything illegal. I don’t have any guilt, but I don’t want my boyfriendto find out and leave me, or worse, stay with me as I continue to breakhis heart through constant cheating. Would therapy help? I hope youhave some advice. I just wish I could stop.

You say it’s not the skanking around that’s making you unhappy—youenjoy the sex, you enjoy multiple partners, you enjoy everything shortof urine/feces/criminal. If you’re telling the truth—if you’re notglossing over some deep-seated pain—the sex isn’t the problem. What’stroubling you is the deceit. You’re worried that this boy, like theboys and girls before him, will be hurt when he finds out you’re alying, cheating skank.

But you can be a skank—and I’m using the term in the sex-positivesense—without lying or cheating. Have you tried being honest withpotential boyfriends and girlfriends about your tastes and trackrecord? Where there are no lies of commission or omission, SKANK,there’s no deceit. And where there’s no deceit, there are no boys whosehearts are broken when they find out they are being cheated on. Letprospective partners know who you are and what you’re about beforethings get serious, SKANK, and your problem will be solved—i.e., boysand girls who want monogamy won’t get involved with you. You’llencounter some rejection, sure, but if you keep the honesty thing up,sooner or later you’ll find a partner who doesn’t mind/thoroughlyenjoys being cheated on. Ta-da, everybody wins.

Now, my advice would conclude with the previous paragraph if itweren’t for the last line of your letter: “I just wish I could stop.”If that’s how you truly feel, SKANK, then perhaps there is somethingpathological about your behavior. And here’s a little more evidencethat your sexual adventures may not be coming from a particularlyhealthy place: Someone like you, SKANK, surely knows that there are menand women out there—wannabe swingers, the polyamorous, the growinglegions of cuckold fetishists—that would kill to be with a woman likeyou. The fact that you haven’t sought out any of these people and haveinstead dated and deceived the monogamously inclined is revealing. Andwhat it reveals isn’t pretty: If you’ve avoided the swingers, thepolyamorous, and the cuckold fetishists, SKANK, and sought out onlyguys and girls that will be hurt by your actions, then you’re notskanking around because you enjoy it. You’re doing it to wound anddrive off people who attempt to get close to you. And that’s somethingyou should definitely hash out with a shrink.

I’m a recent college grad who’s having a tough time meeting anice girl. I’m above average in terms of looks (I work out regularly)and I’m pretty smart (I went to a top school). My problem is that I’mnot outgoing, but very shy. This is probably the reason I’m not a bigfan of the bar scene. Is there some way or place I can meet cute, smartgirls in a more comfortable setting? Thanks.

You, my friend, need a gay friend. A fun-lovin’, presentable,passable male homo who wants to go out drinking with you, will getshit-faced with you, and, when he notices a girl checking you out oryou checking out a girl, will push you in the girl’s direction or walkup to her and ask if his cute-but-painfully-shy straight friend can buyher a drink. Women love cute-but-shy guys with gay friends. Trust me.

You can return the favor by going to gay bars with your gay friend,getting shit-faced with him, dancing shirtless with him, and tellinganyone who hits on you that you’re hopelessly straight but that yourgay friend here is single and awesome.

Finally, DMB, if your gay friend hooks you up with the womanyou wind up marrying, he not only gets to be your best man, but he alsohas the option of blowing you immediately before the ceremony. The gaymafia is pretty strict about enforcing this last provision.

Here’s the deal. I’ve been married for under a year. I, wifey,have been bad—the “trifecta” of controlling, insecure, jealous, andirrational, and it all got 100 times worse once we got engaged. I wasbad; I made him miserable. I am now doing well in therapy, muchimprovement in recent months. The problem? No sex. Hubby doesn’t want.Able, not willing. We have sex maybe twice a month and only at myinsistence. He was not as affectionate when we first got married (I wassuper bad then), but now is much more so, very affectionate, noskimping on the hugs and kisses. He treats me very well and says heloves me—but he just avoids sex. The worst part is sometimes we’ll bemaking out and I can feel his hard-on but he just won’t act on it. Helikes porn and girls (women—not little girls) so I know he has theappetite—just not for me.

Give hubby some time to adjust to the new, improved wifey, SIW. Byyour own admission you were a raging bitch for the duration of yourengagement and three-quarters of your married life thus far. While it’sswell that you’ve gotten a handle on your controlling, insecure,jealous, and irrational behavior—that’s a “quadfecta,” technically, nota “trifecta”—it’s gonna take more than a few months of good behaviorbefore hubby begins to see you as the woman he proposed to and not thefucking nutjob he married. I’d say you’re gonna need to be sane for atleast as long as you were batshitcrazy before you can expect things toreturn to normal.

Despite the desire of so many to avoid labels and the variousstigmas attached to them, Homo sapiens seem to be “hard-wired” with adesire to name and categorize people and things and feelings. Somefriends of mine in Orlando came up with a fun, catchy, and well-meaningname for a girl in the “Not One Of THOSE Bisexuals” predicament. NOOTBdidn’t want to identify as bi because most of the 18-year-old bi girlsshe’s known were just drunken straight girls, and she didn’t want toidentify as a dyke because she likes boys, too.

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